Wow, ouch.  So much anger.  I just read my last entry for the first time since I wrote it and diz-amn this girl has a lot of frustration.... well, HAD a lot.  I'm doing pretty damn good right now.  Well, aside from the fact that I have refused to read anyone else's xanga entry for fear of my own mental stability because I have a feeling a few people might have mentioned me a time or two and I just don't need that kind of drama.... obviously, because I'm pretty good at creating my own... IF you havent noticed.

But seriously, I love M to DEATH so I'm hoping if "M" reads this he knows how much I love him as much as I can possibly without "L" getting mad and what I'm doing that possibly looks shady and wrong... really, really, REALLY isn't.  Did I mention I love you and don't want you to be mad? 

Anywho things are good, I'm broke as shit, the weather is gorgeous, and this might so far be the best summer break I've ever had.... and I've been out of school for years!! Go figure! I do however miss reading people's xangas and I hope now that everything is cool there will be stuff worth me reading so if you took this 3 minutes to read my entry, take 2 seconds more and leave me a comment so I'll know the coast is clear and that you want me to read your xanga again.... so yea thaaaaaaannnnkkkkkss.

Now everyone put their pil-stuhls away before we all go to pril-son.

So it's always quite funny to me how much I don't believe in karma, but love to gloat when some black hole-for-a-soul bastard gets what's coming to him.  It'll be fabulous, I assure you.  Anybody need front row seats?

But aside from that, which isn't really that important anyway, is how surprisingly happy I am. No, I shouldn't say surprised.  Any idiot in his right mind knows when you get a life-sucking parasite removed your life gets better, but I was growing fond of it right there til the end, so give me a break.  But yea.  Happy = Me.  Enough said.  Which is good news of course to the countless people who constantly bend their head to the side and ask sweetly "So, how you doin' today, Amanda?" like I'm a cancer patient. Ha ha.  I just realized I kinda AM like a cancer patient.  I didn't want it to begin with, I made the absolute best of it while I had it, it tried to kill me, but in the end, I won!  Good job.  You've successfully been promoted from Satan's Boob Sweat to good ol' cancer.  Maybe if your real good we'll promote you to "dog shit on my shoe".  

Oh, and have a terrific summer everyone.  And remember, summer's always much better when your drunk..... or high on some form of illegal substance..... while fucking.  So just do all that and you'll be good.  Got it?  Ok.  Now gimme a call if you need that whole "fucking" part taken care of.  I'm quite a catch now that I'm cancer-free!  Ha ha!  LoL!  I'm so funny!

... and now I'm off to have a "terrific" summer... take that as you will :)

It might seem a little naive of me to possibly think that anyone will listen, but I'm going to say this anyway:

Please never deny yourself the joy of self-confidence.  The power inside of you to love yourself is more powerful than any other feature one person could possess.  When you love yourself and overcome your shortcomings rather than become swallowed by them, you become someone amazing.  That someone amazing you become might even shine happiness into someone elses life and then they can feel equally fantastic. 

We will always, always do things that ruin our spirit. Maybe in some cases you've ruined another's spirit as well.  Please just learn from it.  Learn and feel shame and invite the sadness but then just as respectfully, rise above it.  Be someone better.  Nothing important to mankind has ever grown from darkness.  Shine the light on yourself and use your lessons as band-aids to move you cautiously but courageously forward.  Then,  maybe you can begin to be the better person inside of you that would never make the same mistakes again.

Bridges may burn, but a true hero would build a new one.  A better one.  He would run across the bridge and remember never to destroy something so precious and so necessary ever again. 

I believe all human beings are capable of that.  Every.  Last.  Single.  One.  We will all be happy if we show just how hard we've worked for it.  Joy is a fragile thing.  When you feel it, you protect it.  And it may be too much to ask... but just please... please believe in yourself.  Believe in yourself just enough to turn around and rebuild the wreckage into something....

....you never thought you'd ever deserve.

Everything I do will always piss off someone.

It doesn't matter who.  It doesn't matter what.  There is no one thing I could ever do that everyone would be happy about.  Martyrdom to one could be just suicide to another.  Passing false judgement is the only reason people are so miserable.  When we only see the bad, that's all we'll know what to feel.  I'm writing this because I've been struck in the stomach so hard over the course of 24 hours that I feel like the 80% of water my body is made up of is actually tears that I refuse to let escape.  Not only was I unable to be a good and understanding person to someone who cares about me, my mother has also told me how nauseated and disgusted she is with me because of my new tattoo.  You will never feel more worthless in your whole life than when your own mother tells you she has never been more disappointed and that she doesn't even want your little brother to see you.  I'm so dead inside from the war going on inside my head to lash out with rage or succumb to my own helplessness.  I don't think anyone will ever truly understand me.  They will pass judgement on me forever. 

Doesn't anyone want to listen?   

Now there is not TOO much in this world that pisses me off.  I'm pretty easy going and open minded.  This is not only a positive personality trait, but a good thing for mankind because when I AM pissed off at something, mankind suffers my wrath... a lot.  But there are a FEW things that piss me off, of course.  Things that if not for my laid back persona would have become the destruction of life as some would know it.  Here are a few examples:

1. Neo-Cons with too much money and too much pull.
2. The shell of dried mustard that sticks to the tip of the bottle.
3. White people who think they are somehow the supreme race.
4. Black people who think they are OWED something from the supreme race.
5. Hypocritical religions... (i.e. EVERY religion)
6. Girls who still wear scrunchies.
7. People doubting my ability to take responsibility seriously.
8. Those swirly jars of peanut butter and jelly mixed together.
9. Lawsuits regarding fast food chains making people fat.
10. Lawsuits regarding rock music making people suicidal.

And last but by far not least and the most crucial mistake anyone could make:

Telling me I'm talking "way too loud".

Nothing pisses me off more than that.  I have no idea why.  Sometimes I AM talking too loud.  Sometimes before I'm told I'm talking too loud I realize it.  But for some reason, when someone has the audacity to say too my face that they are no longer enjoying the things I'm saying as much as they are focused on my audible volume, I get cross-eyed with rage.  I swear to God one day I'm going to solve some apocalyptic disaster and save the planet and when I stand up in front of the whole world to make a speech, one idiot is going to tap me on the shoulder and recite me those diabolical words and you know what will happen?  ANOTHER apocalyptic disaster because I'm gonna kill every motherfucker on the face of the planet.  And the guy who started it all by uttering those five little words?  I'm going to recite the "I have a dream" speech at the top of my lungs, right in his ear... and then blow his brains out.

So like I said, I have no idea why that simple request pisses me off so much.  I guess I get defensive because, in theory, it's like someone is telling me to stop expressing myself so... expressively.  And truth be told, suppression of my expression is probably the REAL number one thing that pisses me off. 

...and hey, that should piss you guys off, too.